Karma exists.

I am a hard worker.  I volunteered at 13, was employed at 14 and have worked ever since.  I have generally had at least 2 jobs and sometimes took at college course in addition to that while raising my kid.  I’m not looking for a pat on the back – I am just trying to paint the picture of my work ethic and dedication to being a productive member of society.

I graduated college in 2011 with a bachelors in natural resources.  I was working full time somewhat in my field before I had graduated and thought that I was doing myself a favor by getting the experience lined up for the ideal job at the end.  Boy was I sadly mistaken.  I was passed over for several jobs even though I qualified and in one instance wasn’t chosen because I lacked experience in a particular area that wasn’t even a job requirement!  I worked for this agency for 14 years – it wasn’t like I just came in from off the streets.  I had put the work in.  I had put the time in.  And for the one job that I lacked non-required experience…it wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t friends with the hiring manager on Facebook who told me in a message that he would love to have me work for him.  And since the day he told me why I didn’t get the job, not one word has been spoken between us.  Because he knew it was BULLSHIT!  I no longer work for that agency anyway so no love lost there.

Which leads me into my subject….karma.  In March 2013, I was let go from the job I was speaking about above.  It was 100% my fault – I did something I shouldn’t have and ultimately turned myself in before I got “caught”.  While this was admirable in itself, the act was embarrassing and I have yet to forgive myself.  I betrayed the people who trusted me and put faith in me.  It was like I screwed family members over and am still trying to process why I did it.  I will not disclose the offense – I plan to just keep this part of my post cryptic.  But since this little mishap (that everyone else has forgotten or forgave but me) I have had the shittiest, constant stream of karma possible.  I could not find a job so I took what I could including unemployment.  I lost my house.  My car was repossessed and my family had to bail me out so I could get it back.  Only to then have it totaled a year and a half later by my kid.  I won’t mention that I was $5000 away from paying it off.  Depleted my 401K because I had to.  One of the jobs I found was a substitute teacher.  This was OK pay but I didn’t have work for the summers.  One summer, two years ago (Memorial Day weekend), I fell and broke my kneecap.  So there went any chance of work and was solely on unemployment. Boo-hoo, right?  Get ready for the pity party!

I just so happened to run into an acquaintance at a survey group I volunteer for in 2015, the same summer I broke myself, and explained my woes.  She works in the environmental consulting field and told me to come work for her.  HALLELUJAH, a job in my field FINALLY after 2.5 years of looking for ANY job!  So I got the job.  And I work for her, who is one of the worst managers I have ever encountered and the pay is inhumane.  But it definitely has its perks and I do not hate it.  I am getting experience and it’s giving me nice fluff for my resume.   However, I want out.  Badly.

Even before getting canned, I wasn’t getting job offers.  For the last six years that I have applied for jobs, I have not received one job offer.  Not one.  IF I even get an interview, I am so jaded that I have no hope anymore of getting anything but a thanks, but no thanks.  This has obviously manifested itself into habits of negative self-talk, no self-worth and overall thinking I am not good enough.  I know I am a damn fine employee that would bring a ton to the table.  I just don’t get why no one can see that.  What I am doing wrong to not sell myself enough to make people hire me and see my worth?  I can’t help but feel that karma isn’t done yet.

I had an interview last week for a really good job….I will post when the “no thanks” e-mail comes in.  Cheers to all of the martyring!

Happy 4th of July!  Be safe.