I am a hard worker. I volunteered at 13, was employed at 14 and have worked ever since. I have generally had at least 2 jobs and sometimes took at college course in addition to that while raising my kid. I’m not looking for a pat on the back – I am just trying to paint the picture of my work ethic and dedication to being a productive member of society.
I graduated college in 2011 with a bachelors in natural resources. I was working full time somewhat in my field before I had graduated and thought that I was doing myself a favor by getting the experience lined up for the ideal job at the end. Boy was I sadly mistaken. I was passed over for several jobs even though I qualified and in one instance wasn’t chosen because I lacked experience in a particular area that wasn’t even a job requirement! I worked for this agency for 14 years – it wasn’t like I just came in from off the streets. I had put the work in. I had put the time in. And for the one job that I lacked non-required experience…it wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t friends with the hiring manager on Facebook who told me in a message that he would love to have me work for him. And since the day he told me why I didn’t get the job, not one word has been spoken between us. Because he knew it was BULLSHIT! I no longer work for that agency anyway so no love lost there.
Which leads me into my subject….karma. In March 2013, I was let go from the job I was speaking about above. It was 100% my fault – I did something I shouldn’t have and ultimately turned myself in before I got “caught”. While this was admirable in itself, the act was embarrassing and I have yet to forgive myself. I betrayed the people who trusted me and put faith in me. It was like I screwed family members over and am still trying to process why I did it. I will not disclose the offense – I plan to just keep this part of my post cryptic. But since this little mishap (that everyone else has forgotten or forgave but me) I have had the shittiest, constant stream of karma possible. I could not find a job so I took what I could including unemployment. I lost my house. My car was repossessed and my family had to bail me out so I could get it back. Only to then have it totaled a year and a half later by my kid. I won’t mention that I was $5000 away from paying it off. Depleted my 401K because I had to. One of the jobs I found was a substitute teacher. This was OK pay but I didn’t have work for the summers. One summer, two years ago (Memorial Day weekend), I fell and broke my kneecap. So there went any chance of work and was solely on unemployment. Boo-hoo, right? Get ready for the pity party!
I just so happened to run into an acquaintance at a survey group I volunteer for in 2015, the same summer I broke myself, and explained my woes. She works in the environmental consulting field and told me to come work for her. HALLELUJAH, a job in my field FINALLY after 2.5 years of looking for ANY job! So I got the job. And I work for her, who is one of the worst managers I have ever encountered and the pay is inhumane. But it definitely has its perks and I do not hate it. I am getting experience and it’s giving me nice fluff for my resume. However, I want out. Badly.
Even before getting canned, I wasn’t getting job offers. For the last six years that I have applied for jobs, I have not received one job offer. Not one. IF I even get an interview, I am so jaded that I have no hope anymore of getting anything but a thanks, but no thanks. This has obviously manifested itself into habits of negative self-talk, no self-worth and overall thinking I am not good enough. I know I am a damn fine employee that would bring a ton to the table. I just don’t get why no one can see that. What I am doing wrong to not sell myself enough to make people hire me and see my worth? I can’t help but feel that karma isn’t done yet.
I had an interview last week for a really good job….I will post when the “no thanks” e-mail comes in. Cheers to all of the martyring!
Happy 4th of July! Be safe.
A Perceived Reality 