…that is the question. I have been single since January 24, 2011. You know how I know this very specific date? Because the d-bag I was dating broke up with me over a friggin text message 3 days before my birthday. He, at the time, was 38. I bring up his age because that is what 15 year old’s do. But had I not known him and been friends with him for 5 years prior to that (he’s one of my best friends husbands best friend/business partner), the text message wouldn’t have been perceived as royally eff’d up.
We played the googly-eye game that entire time until we both were in a place to want to give the dating thing a try and it was a HUGE flop. Our relationship consisted of 9 months of routine Friday night sex and playing Rummy 500 at his house. The occasional eating out, but he was cheap and felt it was wasting money when we could just cook at home (fast forward 5 years and he’s posting or being tagged on FB out and about almost daily with his new boo). I’m not here to shit on the guy – we agreed that if it didn’t work out then we would remain friends. We did just that. I’m glad he’s happy and in a better place.
This relationship though was the second forced relationship I had been in consecutively. I say forced in that I kept going after both guys despite my gut feelings, despite everyone’s warnings, despite the idea of ‘if it’s meant to be it will be’, I still forced the idea of a relationship on those two and it backfired. Since then I have just kept to friends with benefits and it’s worked for me…I guess.
Back to the topic…to be single or not to be. I struggle with this. I struggle because out of my friends, including some co-workers, I am the ONLY single person in the bunch. I repeat THE ONLY SINGLE ONE! Everyone else at the very least has a boyfriend but most are married. This arrangement puts me in a perpetual state of being the third (fifth, seventh) wheel. But this lengthy time period of being single has jaded my perception of whether or not being with someone on a romantic level is worth it. Most of the time being the third wheel isn’t bad. Sometimes it has its advantages. Then again, sometimes, it gets incredibly lonely. At my ripe old age of 38, where does one go to meet people? Bars aren’t an option. I don’t drink much. I’ve tried the online thing, but feel that is just forcing the issue (read last paragraph about this) and there aren’t any single guy friend options or friends of friends, etc. I’d be rich if I had a dollar for every time I heard “you don’t put yourself out there”. When I ask “where’s out there?”, I get no response.
I watch relationships from afar and get no closer to figuring out if being with someone is what I want or need. Or taking the energy to find “out there” to put myself in it. In the meantime, what I do need to figure out are ways to enjoy my own self and my own company without the accompaniment of another person. I dwell too much on the negative and really need to learn to focus on the positive.