Karma exists.

I am a hard worker.  I volunteered at 13, was employed at 14 and have worked ever since.  I have generally had at least 2 jobs and sometimes took at college course in addition to that while raising my kid.  I’m not looking for a pat on the back – I am just trying to paint the picture of my work ethic and dedication to being a productive member of society.

I graduated college in 2011 with a bachelors in natural resources.  I was working full time somewhat in my field before I had graduated and thought that I was doing myself a favor by getting the experience lined up for the ideal job at the end.  Boy was I sadly mistaken.  I was passed over for several jobs even though I qualified and in one instance wasn’t chosen because I lacked experience in a particular area that wasn’t even a job requirement!  I worked for this agency for 14 years – it wasn’t like I just came in from off the streets.  I had put the work in.  I had put the time in.  And for the one job that I lacked non-required experience…it wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t friends with the hiring manager on Facebook who told me in a message that he would love to have me work for him.  And since the day he told me why I didn’t get the job, not one word has been spoken between us.  Because he knew it was BULLSHIT!  I no longer work for that agency anyway so no love lost there.

Which leads me into my subject….karma.  In March 2013, I was let go from the job I was speaking about above.  It was 100% my fault – I did something I shouldn’t have and ultimately turned myself in before I got “caught”.  While this was admirable in itself, the act was embarrassing and I have yet to forgive myself.  I betrayed the people who trusted me and put faith in me.  It was like I screwed family members over and am still trying to process why I did it.  I will not disclose the offense – I plan to just keep this part of my post cryptic.  But since this little mishap (that everyone else has forgotten or forgave but me) I have had the shittiest, constant stream of karma possible.  I could not find a job so I took what I could including unemployment.  I lost my house.  My car was repossessed and my family had to bail me out so I could get it back.  Only to then have it totaled a year and a half later by my kid.  I won’t mention that I was $5000 away from paying it off.  Depleted my 401K because I had to.  One of the jobs I found was a substitute teacher.  This was OK pay but I didn’t have work for the summers.  One summer, two years ago (Memorial Day weekend), I fell and broke my kneecap.  So there went any chance of work and was solely on unemployment. Boo-hoo, right?  Get ready for the pity party!

I just so happened to run into an acquaintance at a survey group I volunteer for in 2015, the same summer I broke myself, and explained my woes.  She works in the environmental consulting field and told me to come work for her.  HALLELUJAH, a job in my field FINALLY after 2.5 years of looking for ANY job!  So I got the job.  And I work for her, who is one of the worst managers I have ever encountered and the pay is inhumane.  But it definitely has its perks and I do not hate it.  I am getting experience and it’s giving me nice fluff for my resume.   However, I want out.  Badly.

Even before getting canned, I wasn’t getting job offers.  For the last six years that I have applied for jobs, I have not received one job offer.  Not one.  IF I even get an interview, I am so jaded that I have no hope anymore of getting anything but a thanks, but no thanks.  This has obviously manifested itself into habits of negative self-talk, no self-worth and overall thinking I am not good enough.  I know I am a damn fine employee that would bring a ton to the table.  I just don’t get why no one can see that.  What I am doing wrong to not sell myself enough to make people hire me and see my worth?  I can’t help but feel that karma isn’t done yet.

I had an interview last week for a really good job….I will post when the “no thanks” e-mail comes in.  Cheers to all of the martyring!

Happy 4th of July!  Be safe.

A Perceived Reality

This blog was created as an outlet for me to write and/or complain about my life thoughts, encounters and experiences.  It is here as an open journal.  A platform for me to share my perceptions.  My perceptions are mine and not for anyone to judge, give negative opinions or be mean to me or anyone who comments here.  If, and ONLY IF, you have something positive to contribute, by all means.  Disclaimer: My posts can and will contain foul language.  If you are offended by anything I write, sorry not sorry.  I hope you find comic relief from my posts and may be even inspired from time to time. 

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